Why self talk is so important
It starts in the mirror at a young age. “You can do it!” “You’re a big brave dog!” The thing is, we’re born with all the confidence imaginable. Unfortunately, the more life we live, the more we’re conditioned to believe we’re “not enough,” racking us with a laundry list of insecurities. But the good news is… we can actually talk our way back into it.
Our self talk is so much more important than anything our peers or society tells us about who we are. We can declare at any point who we are and what we do or don’t do. That’s actually the easy part (the hard part is believing it).
One of my favorite modern “self improvement” books is Atomic Habits. It’s all about building habits that actually stick, and breaking those stubborn ones we can’t seem to get rid of. In the book, James Clear tells the story of two people who are trying to quit smoking and are offered a cigarette. The first guy says “no thank you, I’m trying to quit” and the second one says “no thank you, I’m not a smoker.” The difference here is that one of the men still identifies himself as a smoker who is working on quitting and the second man is identifying himself as someone who is “not a smoker.” The key part in all of this is that when you tell yourself that you ARE something, then you are that quality or habit. And if you tell yourself you’re NOT something, then you’re not allowing that specific thing to be attached to your identity. Spoiler alert: the “non-smoker” has an easier time turning down the cigarette.
For me, this sparks a few things — when I used to run regularly, friends would ask me if I wanted to sign up for a half marathon or race of some kind. I would immediately respond with, “oh no, I’m not a runner, I’m just doing it for fun!” And the impact of this was that I never really felt confident in my running or like I could pursue something more ambitious like a race. I didn’t call myself a runner (even though I was!) so I was always striving for more confidence that I would never get without fully embracing it (to myself, first and foremost).
And again, when I was promoted to run a larger team at Annie’s, I distinctly remember going out of my way to tell my colleagues that “I was learning the lopes - I was a new manager.” And because of this, I was struck with imposter syndrome for so long and didn’t feel real confidence in the role until much, much later. Had I defined myself as a strong leader and manager upfront, I would have shown up for that person I was choosing to be and ultimately building the habits and confidence necessary to be in that role much faster.
The point is: if we show up for ourselves first (through the way we talk to ourselves and label ourselves), it helps us become clear not only on our identity in this moment, but helps us visualize the person we are becoming and aspiring to be.
We live in a world that is so focused on what everyone else is doing around us. It’s crucial that we focus on our own strengths and the habits we want to build in order to grow.
An exercise for you: write down a list of 30 things you are proud of in yourself. Let this be a reminder to you what qualities you offer and what habits you need to continue to strengthen to stay true to those things.
